So.. he's probably in a new relationship now according to his latest update on Friendster. Big deal? You don't even need to ask me.

I'm clueless on who the new person is although I'm not really interested to find ways in knowing who she could be (or who he could be, who knows?). I would confess though being so affected by it and it's not making me want to enjoy the things I should be enjoying myself around with.

I couldn't take pleasure in eating any food that I try to consume.
Couldn't smile at people who I usually want to see around.
Couldn't laugh at any jokes from these random Japanese comedy shows on YouTube.
Couldn't make myself bounce a beat from these dance-y club tunes.
I just couldn't seem to put myself in my normal positive pleasance.

A few nights ago, he surprisingly phoned me up and we spent a good thirty minutes talking about several things. Most of which I couldn't remember anymore for I was very entranced by the thought that it's him I'm speaking with. Prior to his call, he was texting me saying how he feels shitty that he just got himself turned down by this girl he's trying to return to.

But what the hell is this just now? Is he trying to pull off a moving-on escape stint from the BS that he's wrapped up with and sulking in now? I don't know what he's up to and spending too much time figuring him out is the road that I have been taking ever since I got hooked into him.

I feel like fighting for what I'm feeling but I know it will gain me nothing. I want to preserve the little that's there for us (more like, for me) and having a repeat of my previous attempt would mean jeopardy.

I'll just stay behind until I eventually get tired of waiting. I have been standing by for over a year and I'm still indefinite of how long would this take me further.

I know... not again.

Labels: Lalon Day-Day

Look at me? I'm almost 24 and I still couldn't seem to find my way on playing this "love" game right.

I'm utterly weary of being jaded and ostensibly lost in my own complications trying to figure out how the next one's gonna be. I don't usually like to complicate things or calculate every single move that I am bound to take. I usually play it on the carefree side and I was never the cautious type. Standing behind the safe fence is definitely not something I'm comfortable with. I enjoy love the most whenever I let myself indulge into its gravity in a free-spirited fashion. I'm naturally a giver and hates the very idea of "expectations". Being the silent bird watcher is how I could adeptly play love without the aftermath of its embracing pain. I am used to giving love without ever wanting something to fire back at me. I once believed that this is really how things are going for me and that I just have to deal with it. In many instances, I have passionately loved without even telling them that the love's for them.

A few years have gone by and I eventually learned to face my fears and be frank about what my real feelings are. With the help of my supportive friends, I've managed to held my face up and bravely open up to some of them. It definitely took a great deal of courage (and not to mention, a thick face) to shove those uneasy words to their faces. I knew it must've been really awkward for them to withstand the bearing of not just my presence, but by those very words that they're supposed to hear from a girl and not from a wanna be. Seriously, I'm sure it must've felt like a bucket of ice cold water was splashed right off their faces. Pure humiliation. But it's a hundred times more humiliating for me to conquer that moment and give them the blows. I think I've had it for three guys already? And saying it to one after the other gets even harder everytime I try to. Though my attempts were successful, its by-product often leaves me into this excruciating pain of waiting for something predictable to happen. None of those happy "would-be's" ever came true. Never had, never did and perhaps, never will.

I'm a tattered jeans worn out from those many battles of going against "what if's", "maybe's" and "what could have been's". I'm a seasoned fighter of loving the "hardest" way. I just take it as if it's some kind of a punishment for the many awful things I have done and committed (and will probably still do). I'm okay with it. I'm dealing with it like how I dealt with it in the past.

Now... I decided to give out my love again. My reluctance didn't hold me back from saying the truth to him. And just like the previous ones, he couldn't promise any reciprocity. I told him I'm not expecting but hell I know I'm lying. I DID expect and I am STILL expecting for some "make-believe" to happen again.

Yeah, call me whatever you want, but this is my reality about how I deal with love. I am just resolving to the truth.

And so I'm blogging again. I should applaud myself for having the stamina to even do something like this even though I'm significantly feeling heavy. Nope, I'm not trying to put up an emo act again. I believe I have too many of those already.

I'm at work and I'm totally not in the mood to have sessions right now ("sessions" are actually tutorials that I conduct here for my Japanese students). My body feels so heavy and it wants to rest itself. I can barely fight this soporific body no matter how I try to fuel it with motivation that I shouldn't let my students get a hint of my current drowsiness. Good thing nobody logged on during my first session.

Restlessness.

I was able to doze off for four and a half hours only so that explains why. I slept about a few minutes past 12AM and since I have an irregular body clock, I was already awake by 4:50AM. I could've had the chance to sleep again later that day, but I wasn't able to do so. I had to entertain a guest who unexpectedly came over.

Christian, a high school friend, went to my house and decided to stay for few hours. It was really good to see him again although we just recently met about a few weeks ago. We usually see each other often since he lives a just few blocks away from our residence. We had a spontaneous talk. He updated me with a lot of personal stuff about him and he even let me see some Friendster profiles of his crushes and his one and only love interest. He's liking quite a few person, some of them, he revealed, he's had intimate moments with (like pecking and some touchy here and there). I didn't let him go on further and tell the specifics since I'm uninterested to most of what he's saying (plus the fact that I can be really uncomfortable with topics like this). Funny how we could easily be distracted by someone even though we're well conscious that our heart already beats for someone else's name out there.

Well, this was a pretty productive day for me. I was able to get rid of a lot of clutter in my room but there's still plenty to dispose of. I usually find it hard to let go of something even if it had little value over me. I hesitate a lot even in simple things like fishing out stuff that needs to be forgotten forever. I know there's a lot of things that needs to say bye bye in my room but I couldn't set them off easily. Haha. Boo.

(note: I originally wrote this last night and forgot to have it published haha)

For several disturbing reasons, I just couldn't make myself update this blog whenever I want to. Believe me, there are those moments where thoughts would just suddenly circulate my mind wanting to be exposed but my body's inhibiting me from doing so. For one thing, I know that my laziness is to blame since I procrastinate a lot. I used to be very spontaneous before and now I'm contemplating for other reasons why my spontaneity seemed to have faded away.

I could've shown more about how my world was lately, but I've been too uninspired to do that. I don't have a clear blueprint of the thoughts that I want to surface out here although I have quite a lot of things that I really wanted to share.

Let's see if I could give a decent preview of how have I been doing.

Another academic year had just started and will about to start for others. I'll be really honest to admit here that I'm feeling a little regretful because I won't be teaching this year. I miss it already. It's giving me this uncomfortable itch and I couldn't swallow the fact that I'll be indefinitely leaving something that I'm very passionate about. I still have to finish a lot before I could go back and teach again. Thinking about those many things to accomplish before going back makes it more difficult for me. I hate the idea of waiting. Waiting seems a lot like hard work for me. I terribly hate it. Waiting for this "chance" to come down on me again feels like waiting for something that's never gonna happen. I don't have the patience and the willingness to wait for something that I really want. Maybe it's one of the reasons why I seemed to have lost focus of the track that I'm supposed to be on. I'm becoming a runaway train and I'm not even doing anything about it. I don't wanna wait for another year or even years. I swear I wouldn't let that happen.

I decided to postpone my plan of going back to school. A big portion of me is so uncollected and I don't think this is a good time for me to dive in the waters with a fluctuating presence of mind. Instead, I'll be enrolling next semester and I'll be using these gap months to get my acts together. I'm slowly picking up my lost pace and this is already a significant progress for me.

My brother's getting better after being confined for two weeks and family's starting to "act" normal again. Ties are definitely improving to an extent and I suppose it ain't gonna go further than what it is now.

I'm back to being a full-time tutor for Japs. I'm also back in the game of "saving and spending" money. I'm still guilty of doing the latter more, though. But there's definitely some improvement this time around. ^^,

Love. It's an ever recurring problem. Same person. Same situation. Same hesitations. Same inhibitions. I'm making myself go in circles and he doesn't even have the slightest clue on how he spins me around.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I force myself to just drop everything off, they're just not convincing enough to my naturally stubborn displaced heart. The gravity's too much. I wish I could just throw it all away.

Allow me to describe how loving him feels like through this song by John Mayer...

Gravity - John Mayer



Hmmm.. a lot of things seemed to have gravitated on me lately. Somehow, I know I have to defy it.

Ho-hum, I hope this doesn't sound like another pull-me-down blog post. >.<

Labels: Lalon Day-Day

Hello blog, I haven't forgotten about you.

My invisibility here is basically brought about by my utterly sluggish disposition. I've been unbelievably too weak to resist and not let it take control. Two significant months had passed by and I'm deeply remorseful about the fact that it was terribly uneventful and unproductive for me.

What the hell is happening to me?

I just feel so spaced out and so out of my way right now. I've been wasting so much of my energy and time to a lot of unfulfilling things.

There's a lot going on in my head right now to tell you honestly. Family's been really stressful lately and I just don't have that right amount of strength to specify the details here. This may be a little too late for us but I'm seriously developing this deeper appreciation towards my family and the recent events definitely triggered this new found affection. This is something that I've never had before.

I'm guilty of ignoring text messages, emails and IMs from friends, classmates, ex-students and ex-office mates lately. I feel awful that I'm doing this to them. I guess I just don't want to talk to a lot of people right now so as to avoid cluttering my head with some more "things."

I thought that doing this would somehow make me feel better. It didn't.

I know I'll be back on track. It's just gonna be a matter of time. Let me just have this period of seclusion to think things through.





**P.S. Happy Birthday, Mom.

Labels: Lalon Day-Day